The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
