I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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