it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
