Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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