a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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