My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
