I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
