just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
