k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
