Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
