i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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