do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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