what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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