Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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