Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
