Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
