If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
