I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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