I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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