My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
