At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
