i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
