By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
