Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
