The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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