the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize