the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
