he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
