Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
