Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize