Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
it was like eating out sand paper
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
