i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize