Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
