if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
