I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
