I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
