i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
