Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
