Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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