We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize