I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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