if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
