Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
