I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
