Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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