So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
