Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
