i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
