last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize