i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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