I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
