I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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