I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
