We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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